A Desert Rose InHerSoul

Sometimes I think what's the point? I think everyone has had this thought, especially when life gets hard. I've always worked hard and was very independent but life still continues to kick me in the but. We all go through are own challenges in life, some are harder than others but everyone has their own hands of bad cards that life has dealt in life but it's how you handle it that matters. People look at me and they think I have it all together and are impressed or inspired by the way I have handled life since becoming paralyzed in 2010. The truth is... when you see me smiling and being positive its the God in me that keeps me going. I've always had a motto of "I am able, I can, and I will" and giving up because life keeps throwing mud in my face is no excuse. I am going to give you my back story for those that do not know.  In May of 2010 I became extremely ill with severe weakness in my limbs, to make a long story short I was in and out the hospital with the...

Are you the type of person that is upbeat for the most part? Well this is how I am most of the times but there are times when I just don’t feel like being that happy go lucky person and I simply want to stay in my little cocoon and try to avoid all forms of communication as possible, some would say this is not healthy but until you have walked in my shoes I’m not hearing you! Living with such a horrible disease can sometimes knock the wind out of you and you need that moment of solitude, quietness and meditation to recuperate. When I feel this way I find people constantly asking me if everything is okay, and it’s not that anything is wrong it’s just that the reality of my current situation is getting to me at that moment and I need some me time with me, myself and I to recuperate. Reading self help books, writing or praying and meditating seems to help me get things back into perspective because I love smiling and being happy. Giving person the necessary space he or she may  need...

It all starts with me It all starts with me taking a long hard look in the mirror and not a quick glance which tends to hides the guilt, shame,  embarrassments and regretting, to name a few. I have spent so much of life being praised and celebrated because of my life born talents that I got lost in the mist of trying to be what others wanted me to be or I got lost in the journey of being into someone I was not.  It all starts with me making a change and to stop making silly lame excuses on why I can or cannot do certain things. I was never the one to make excuses before getting into this wheelchair eight years ago, but now it seems like I make more excuses than a teenager gives her/him parents about a bad mark on a report card. It all starts with me to stop breaking promises to myself, I deserve to be treated better and with more respect. Between the bad eating habits I have picked up and me promising myself that I’m eating one of thi...

So often I hear people compliment me on my strength and how I am an inspiration to them, but if only they knew how hard it is some days for me to be an inspiration to myself. Don't bet me wrong I am grateful for each day I am blessed to see but the reality is that some days the amount of pain my body feels can be so discouraging. I find myself questioning God "saying why me?" but then the next question becomes "why not me?" We all have trials and tribulations that we have to go through and the key is to continue to push pass the pain because God will get you through it if you just continue to have faith. Before I got sick in April of 2010 I thought my life was thriving, I was a born again Christian, I was eating healthy and working out regularly. I was in the choir, the drama ministry and was apart of a few bible studies, along with pursuing my song writing and acting career. This was all great but the problem was that I never took a break, it was like my li...

Today is one of those days where I am feeling down on myself. I have days when I weak, tired and in pain and my thoughts are what is the point to it all? I know I am here for a reason but waking up like this is torture. some days I wake up and ask God why me? and some times I am in so much pain I wish The Lord would just take me away, I know I shouldn't say that but living with this illness has taken its toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. It seems like every time I make improvements and start getting stronger I have a relapse, which increases my weakness and pushes me back the beginning stages of my therapy. This is so frustrating and it changes my level of motivation, I used to be so encouraging and full of energy but lately I have had an attitude of someone who tired of being disappointed. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically tired, at this point I can't take another disappointment in my life. I am working hard to get stronger but I have to admit a disap...

Family, friends and strangers daily ask me how I am doing and despite what my actual feeling are I say I am great, fantastic or fabulous. I smile despite my physical or emotional pain because I know God has got me, sometimes life can throw you some major curve balls but I refuse to give in to the mentality of the world. Everything that I may go through nothing compares to when I got sick in mid 2010, that is when I lost my mobility to walk and almost lost my life due to a rare auto immune illness I came down with called Neuro Myelitis Optica. So, I smile despite whatever circumstances that wants to take away my joy. I finally realized that when I thought I was at my best before my illness I was actually physically (vain) and materialistic imprisoned mentally. I was so busy trying to be the prettiest, the fliest, having the best body, having the illiest gear, driving the fliest car and having a booming career. But I was not living and I am not saying there is anything wrong with any of ...